To Whom It May Concern:
Please accept my donation of 31 Snowmen figurines. I’m sure someone somewhere can find them useful. I was not expecting these to come to my door and the growing Army of Snowmen is making my dogs uneasy, not to mention making my life a fucking hellscape.
They do seem to be reproducing, but I have not yet googled “The Sex Lives of Snowmen” for, well, obvious reasons. But it would definitely appear they are not all “Men” so to speak. The reproduction time for The Snow People appears to be quite rapid.
When they come to life at night and tell Alexa to play “Frosty the Snowman” on repeat, it is quite a disruption. They also seem to have a penchant for wine, and they keep asking me where the pot is stored. While I don’t have anything against marijuana users, I am not one myself and do not have the budget for enough pot for 31 People of Snow. Inflation is high, and gas prices alone have stopped me from driving to the dispensary.
I know, I know, weed might chill them out and they might stop trying to ride my pugs while drunk, breaking things and shouting “Suck on THIS, ELF ON THE SHELF” but honestly, that experiment is not one I’m willing to attempt. What if one of them gets paranoid? The last thing I need is a paranoid Frosty shrieking about the government giving him signals in this “old felt hat they found”
They are louder than you would picture Snow People to be, so please be aware and use noise cancelling headphones accordingly. Trust me, a good set plus a shit ton of Melatonin will be the only way you will survive being the proud owner of these.
It is true they are quite calm during the day. You may want to store them in a box until Christmas, but they will claw their way out at night, (which is honestly impressive considering their lack of hands), so a steel safe might be best.
This is great gift for the proverbial “night owl” or anyone who goes clubbing often. The Snow People fucking LOVE the clubs. I learned this the hard way.
On the plus side, they require no batteries, and no feeding, although they CAN drink, as far as I can tell. I’ve also seen no urine, vomit, or shit come out of them so what they do with that wine is a medical mystery one of you can pursue! Think of the Nobel!
Please keep in mind sunshine does not appear to be a deterrent in any way. Oh, and they like knives. Also learned this the hard way.
Enjoy them! And if you caught me camera dropping this box off, No You Didn’t
