It is a very strange feeling to know that if nature had its way, I would be gone - and it would be over a year now. My kids and my husband would visit my grave, and at this point, my husband could possibly be considering remarriage.
But no. I cheated nature. I continue to cheat it every time I inject myself. And so I am still here, thankfully. It's still a strange thought, though. No intervention - no me. I mean, that should mean something, right? Or, maybe not. Maybe it's just the way things are.
And yet, I don't live my life a whole lot differently than before. I mean, yes, the diet and activity level have changed dramatically, and I carry a purse filled with insulin and candy everywhere I go, but I'm not, like, skydiving or traveling to exotic places or anything like that. I don't take advantage of every moment I have left. I waste a lot of time on facebook, actually. Is that wrong?
Do other people feel like this? People who have beaten cancer, or survived a heart attack, or generally cheated nature in any way. Do they go through an existential crisis? And does it change anything for them?
It reminds me of when my SIL had a baby, and they were worried that it might be too big for her to deliver, since her husband is so much taller than she is. She was told "nature always fits the mother." Later, after her C-section, she asked "what happened to 'nature always fits the mother?'" "Well, nature doesn't care if it kills off 10-20%. The species survives." OK then.
I guess the species would survive without me. But I'm glad I'm still here for a while yet. Hopefully a LONG while. Take THAT, nature. I cheat, and I'm winning. (For now.)
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Sometimes I think I've cheated nature by having children... but, do I treat them any differently? Probably not. I still have my good moments, and my bad moments, and I don't cherish every single minute.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're still here too!
My 16 month old had a cardiac arrest a month ago. By a miracle she pulled through. She went back on a chemo regimen and we just finished a round of it. As she got better we frantically treasured every. single. moment. This could come back. And especially in the weeks right after we were keenly aware that we could lose her soon. But you know what I learned? You can't live your life like that. You actually can't live memorizing every moment. You can't treat every day like it could be her last. You just can't. You have to live your life. It almost destroyed me to try to live with every moment having value. Now, every moment does, and I really don't sweat the small stuff. I'm thrilled to change diapers because it means she's alive. But other than that you can't let it dramatically alter your life. You just can't live on that high of intensity every moment. You just have to live.
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