It is a very strange feeling to know that if nature had its way, I would be gone - and it would be over a year now. My kids and my husband would visit my grave, and at this point, my husband could possibly be considering remarriage.
But no. I cheated nature. I continue to cheat it every time I inject myself. And so I am still here, thankfully. It's still a strange thought, though. No intervention - no me. I mean, that should mean something, right? Or, maybe not. Maybe it's just the way things are.
And yet, I don't live my life a whole lot differently than before. I mean, yes, the diet and activity level have changed dramatically, and I carry a purse filled with insulin and candy everywhere I go, but I'm not, like, skydiving or traveling to exotic places or anything like that. I don't take advantage of every moment I have left. I waste a lot of time on facebook, actually. Is that wrong?
Do other people feel like this? People who have beaten cancer, or survived a heart attack, or generally cheated nature in any way. Do they go through an existential crisis? And does it change anything for them?
It reminds me of when my SIL had a baby, and they were worried that it might be too big for her to deliver, since her husband is so much taller than she is. She was told "nature always fits the mother." Later, after her C-section, she asked "what happened to 'nature always fits the mother?'" "Well, nature doesn't care if it kills off 10-20%. The species survives." OK then.
I guess the species would survive without me. But I'm glad I'm still here for a while yet. Hopefully a LONG while. Take THAT, nature. I cheat, and I'm winning. (For now.)