A Non Whiny Post

My sugars have been SOO beautiful lately. I thought I should mention that, since it seems like I'm just on this blog when things are going badly, and I'm whining a lot. But really, the control has been so easy, and I'm grateful. I have another a1c next weekend, in Utah, as part of the study, so we'll see.

In other news, my neck hurts, like, really a lot. So I've started seeing a chiropractor, which is new. (Great! Another medical professional!) I hope he's not crazy. So far, he seems to be fine, but the second he tells me he can cure my diabetes with raw foods or supplements, I'm out of there. He took an x-ray, and he told me a couple of vertebrae in my neck are twisted - which seems to be something chiropractors say, according to Google. Maybe they are twisted, I don't know. So basically, I'm seeing if it helps, and if it does, great, if not - I'll stop going. Done and done.

The insurance covers it, so it's not out of pocket. Yes, you can blame me for high health care costs. I have become a far more expensive person to keep alive in the past couple of years. If he doesn't help, I guess I go to my primary care and complain of "neck pain." I've heard they love vague symptoms like that.

School starts on Monday (yes! Freedom!) and come Tuesday I'll hit the dentist, the eye doctor, and the chiro. Friday it's the study and the a1c. You know, it seems like this body needs more maintenance than my car and my house put together.

In conclusion, I love Crystal Light popsicles. They make summertime in Arizona a livable place for diabetics.

Psychological Tricks - Yes or No?

I was talking to my mom, and she mentioned something the Osmond dude on American Idol said - although it is certainly not original to him. I guess he said "I have MS, it doesn't have me." She wanted me to apply that to my diabetes.

My gut response was "That's simply not true." Of COURSE it has me. AND I have it. And we are battling it out in a neverending war. The outcome is unknown, but truthfully, the odds are heavily in favor of diabetes winning.

I understand the thinking. It's better, psychologically and physically, to believe that the disease is secondary to who I am. But telling myself "I have diabetes, it doesn't have me?" Is that truly helpful? Yes? No? Maybe so? I've obviously been mulling it over. It's all about that tricky illusion of control - how much control do I really have? Quite a bit, or none at all?

Then she tried to tell me how much worse things could be, I could be in constant pain, I could have no legs, I could live in Haiti. I've told myself that, too. And you know, it's funny, but telling myself that other people's lives suck worse than mine does never seems to make me happy.

I tell myself how lucky I am to live in a country with insulin available, hell, with FOOD available. And I really do feel grateful for that. I think about all that I have been blessed with. I have my good days and my bad days, and on the good days, well, things are GOOD, and the sugars are normal, and I think "I can live with this, we can coexist, it's fine" and when the sugars are flying around for no reason that I can possibly fathom, i.e., the bad days, I get bitter and angry. Thankfully I have more good days than bad.

And so: One day at a time. Serenity prayer. (God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.) You know, I've never even touched a beer, and yet I feel like a recovering alcoholic at times.

My phone alarm just went off. Time for a Lantus shot. My diabetes is calling.

Subtle Signals

Dreamed about chocolate cake. Woke up briefly. Then started dreaming about stuffing 5 pieces of cinnamon toast into my face. Quickly and without insulin.

Think my body was trying to tell me something? Apparently dreaming about large amounts of carbohydrates is indicative of a low blood sugar.

FINALLY!

Ok, so I finally got the results - C-peptide levels are right around 2.5. Lower than last time, dang it. (used to be 3.5). But still pretty good for a Type I diabetic 16 months after diagnosis. So...good news, I guess. The honeymoon is still going on - even if my body's not doing AS much of the work as it was before.

I'm not sure what my baseline C-peptide was, I do know it went up after the first infusion, my guess is I'm right around baseline. Evidence again that the first infusion did much more for me than the second one. I really think timing is critical on this drug. The sooner you get it, the better.

Also, A1c was 5.9. Awesomeness.

Waiting Now

I just went up to Utah again for another mixed meal tolerance test. This test marks the one year anniversary of my first infusion. It measures C-peptide levels, and will tell me if I'm still making insulin.

So now we wait. Dun-dun- dun. It should only be a few days, and then I will have a new a1c to record, and some new valuable information.

Previously, after each one of these, my sugars have been completely normal after the test, which told me my pancreas handled the Boost drink pretty well. This time, 160's. So, not dangerously high, but not exactly normal either. It makes me think I'm still making some insulin, but not as much as I used to. We will see what we will see.

My fasting sugars haven't been fabulous lately, either. The doc told me to wait a few more days, and if they were still high, to up my Lantus back up to 10. (Sigh....) But I'm not complaining. 10 is still a very low dose, and the control is still very easy.

Upon coming in, the nurse said "Did you SEE Popular Science March 2010?" Um, no? I don't make it a habit to read Popular Science....she said there was an article written by one of the very first patients to ever get the drug - and after NINE YEARS, her body is still making insulin, although now it is starting to go down. NINE YEARS of honeymooning is pretty amazing. So -nine years from now (I guess 8, maybe, since I've had the first year) - they might have a really great artificial pancreas, or a stem cell based cure, or nothing, I don't know. Who can predict, really? But I choose to be hopeful.

Here is the article - really interesting stuff.

Cheating Nature

It is a very strange feeling to know that if nature had its way, I would be gone - and it would be over a year now. My kids and my husband would visit my grave, and at this point, my husband could possibly be considering remarriage.

But no. I cheated nature. I continue to cheat it every time I inject myself. And so I am still here, thankfully. It's still a strange thought, though. No intervention - no me. I mean, that should mean something, right? Or, maybe not. Maybe it's just the way things are.

And yet, I don't live my life a whole lot differently than before. I mean, yes, the diet and activity level have changed dramatically, and I carry a purse filled with insulin and candy everywhere I go, but I'm not, like, skydiving or traveling to exotic places or anything like that. I don't take advantage of every moment I have left. I waste a lot of time on facebook, actually. Is that wrong?

Do other people feel like this? People who have beaten cancer, or survived a heart attack, or generally cheated nature in any way. Do they go through an existential crisis? And does it change anything for them?

It reminds me of when my SIL had a baby, and they were worried that it might be too big for her to deliver, since her husband is so much taller than she is. She was told "nature always fits the mother." Later, after her C-section, she asked "what happened to 'nature always fits the mother?'" "Well, nature doesn't care if it kills off 10-20%. The species survives." OK then.

I guess the species would survive without me. But I'm glad I'm still here for a while yet. Hopefully a LONG while. Take THAT, nature. I cheat, and I'm winning. (For now.)

Hot Times at the Pharmacy

At the doc, I asked for some different needles, I really don't like the ones I've been using. And I've asked for different ones before, but the pharmacy never changed them. And I mean, they were FINE, so I just used them.

I got the new needles today. They show half units, and only go up to 30 instead of 50.

It's a little sad how happy this makes me. I was thrilled when I opened them and checked them out. Seriously, happy.

I guess I'm easily amused.