Thursday, December 31, 2009

Give Me a New Year, Please

2009. It has been a year. This was the year that, in January, I landed in the hospital with a Type I diabetes diagnosis. The next day I stared up at the TV in my room, and saw a commercial for mint M&M’s, and cried as I wondered if I would ever, ever eat one.

Apart from 1996, when I got married, and 1999, when I had my first child, I would have to say nothing has quite changed my life like 2009. And, similar to those changes, this one is permanent. Unlike those earlier years, however, it’s not a change I wanted, or actively prayed for, chose, or even remotely ever thought would happen to me. The other difference is that the “permanance” is only for this life, not the eternities. However, there are days when “just this life” seems long enough, thank you very much.

“Living with diabetes is like living with a tiger. If you feed it, groom it, never turn your back on it; you can live with a tiger. If you neglect it; it’ll pounce on you and rip you to shreds.”By Wil “Printcrafter

I do what I can. I read everything I can get my hands on, including the large amount of quackery out there. (take this supplement, and you’ll be fine!) I watch my eating carefully, (I have basically cut out refined sugar altogether), I dose my insulin, I test my blood sugar, I go to my doctors and follow advice, I took experimental drugs as part of a study, both to help my health and increase the knowledge base. I even {shudder} exercise. While much of the time it’s just what I do, there are times when I want to throw my insulin across the room, eat a dozen doughnuts, and just say “screw it.” But I don’t. Because I’m not 18 and immortal. I have 3 children, and a disease that is ALWAYS vying for control. Just when I think I’m doing fabulous, a weird reading will show up, just to remind me that the tiger is still in the room. And then I get mad.

When I take the long view, it depresses me. When I think about the fact that essentially, the treatment for Type I hasn’t changed since insulin was discovered, it depresses me. The methods of delivery may have improved, but still, it’s basically “have some insulin, and good luck figuring out how much you need, because as much as we like to think it’s an exact science, it’s really not, but hopefully we can all figure it out together while we monitor you for complications.” When I think about my kids, well, I can’t really go there.

I read books, watch movies, and get sad that if I somehow fell into fictional Georgian England and met Mr. Darcy, I couldn’t marry him because I’d have to go back to my current time for insulin. It bothers me that people can fight bad guys without worrying about what the adrenalin rush will do to their blood sugar levels. And then I laugh at myself, because really, at that point, I have descended into the ridiculous. So I can’t eat yummy pie with yummy Agent Booth. Yeah, it was diabetes that stopped THAT from happening, because it was such a possibility before.

So I take it one day at a time. Sometimes one meal at a time. I may not be able to handle doing this forever, but I can do it today. The fact that this makes me sound like an alcoholic is not lost on me. And I HAVE survived this year.

I have even been taught several things. I know that angels have surrounded me at times, protecting me from myself when I knew not what has happening to my body. I know that taking care of myself is critical, and really, I eat better and move more than I ever have in my life. I know that Diet Dr. Pepper tastes like ice icream. I know that Mormons like sugar. I know that insulin is expensive. I know that my family loves me, and that my husband is willing to fight tigers for me. I have hope that one day, the constant needles and the constant pricking will be a thing of my past, although I have no idea when or if that will ever happen. I can still hope, though. I have to.

I also REALLY want to say (and ok, yeah, HAVE in fact said) ”Ok, Lord, lessons learned, could you please take away the disease now?” I really, really, wish that was how it worked, and yet my faith in miracles has not waned.

I saw a sign today that said “peaceful 2010.” And that is what I want. It’s what I want for me. It’s what I want for you. Peace. And the fact that we happen to worship the prince of peace, and that He has promised us His peace, and not as the world giveth, well, that is not lost on me either.

Peaceful 2010.

(2009 can jump out the window for all I care.)

1 comment:

  1. This is a beautiful entry. Thanks for expressing all my feelings so well.