Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Expensive Days

March 28 was a very expensive day.  I backed into my friend's car, doing damage to both our vehicles, and then I ran my Dexcom G4 through the washing machine.

I am finally wearing a new CGM.  It's been nearly a month. O continuous data, how I have missed you.

(And no, nobody was hurt when I hit the car.  Just my pride.  It was, after all, parked - right behind me.The car, that is.  Not my pride.  That would be odd, yet cool.)

(NOT meant to clean medical devices.  Apparently.)

I went through basically a mini-version of the grief cycle. The first day or two, I missed the Dex desperately, but I was in denial about what I had done and I took to staring at it in a bowl of rice and practically mediated over it to get it to come back to life.  I knew that it would work again.  It survived the snow.  It would survive this. Ipods fall into pools and are fine a week later. It kind of looks like an ipod.  It would be fine, It WAS fine, everything was going to be fine.  It was almost a mantra..

Then, I felt an odd sense of freedom, no device attached - it's almost like I can pretend I'm a normal person with a working pancreas! (Note: not having a CGM does NOT magically make your pancreas work again. Denial is a funny thing.)

And of course I was just really really mad at myself for doing such a stupid thing.  It was a day of stupid things, really.  Who doesn't look behind them and see a car parked in their driveway as they're backing out?  Who forgets that?  (In my defense, there usually aren't cars parked in my driveway when I'm in the garage, but still. That's a stupid defense.)  And then who doesn't check pockets when throwing bathrobes in the washer?  Again, getting defensive here, I usually don't have stuff in the bathrobe pocket, it's not like it's my jeans, but still.  NO DEFENSE.  I am clearly a moron and should not be allowed to have stuff.

Then there was the sadness of not being able to obsess over data, and the guilt over kind of enjoying it sometimes. There was also the frustration of terrible blood sugars and not knowing how long they'd been like that, and lows that I didn't know I was having, and the basic awesomeness of diabetes.

I did lack bargaining.  There was no bargaining.  Running expensive medical devices through household appliances is not covered under anybody's warranty, and really, it shouldn't be.

Even though it totally should be.

And after a lot of phone calls, and re-sending of scripts, and it taking forever to arrive, except once the script was re-sent, it was super quick, so I don't know if I should blame Dexcom for the slowness or my doctor, and I don't really care, because IT IS HERE.

And I am happy.  Acceptance.

Also, I have a new car.  A red one.  So I'm extra happy, although now I have a car payment, where I didn't before.

(It's a Mazda that loves its Volvo.  This makes me laugh).

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.  This disease is expensive.

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