Oh yeah.

OK, so I was in Utah for a blood draw on Monday, and they were going to run an a1c and call me with the results. Just got the phone call. Oh yeah, baby.

5.7!!!!!

She asked if I'd been having a lot of lows, or if I just had good control. There was one day of lows a couple of weeks ago mainly due to the fact that I thought I should up my Lantus dose. (I was bitter about upping it, too). The next day, it was very clear that upping it was not the way to go. Bitterness assauged. Other than that, though, it's just mainly good control.

Today, I am happy. (Last night, I was mad at my 182 before bed, but hey, they can't all be perfect days, right?)

I Feel Like I Should Post

Today is the official one year anniversary. I feel like I went through the whole one year stuff a month ago, though, because around Christmas was when I was feeling crappy and couldn't see, and didn't know what was up. By the time I got into a doctor and got a diagnosis, I pretty much knew what it was. So this anniversary seems a little anticlimactic. Still, though, it's worth marking.

I was in the dentist's chair a few days ago, and he was all "why are you here" and I was all "because it's been six months" and he was all "are you having any problems" and I was all "no, but I'm diabetic, so I come regularly" and he was all "DIABETIC!! Is that in your chart? Do we know that?" and I was all " Yes, but I know nobody here ever checks the chart so I'm mentioning it now" and he was all "well, you don't have any cavities" and I was all "well, good, since I don't eat sugar anymore" and he laughed. "That's the first thing I've heard that suggested diabetes was good for the teeth."

And then he handed me over to the hygienest and her assistant who chatted outside the room for a minute and I swear I heard "She just got her teeth cleaned six months ago" about 4 times. It was like they were shocked. Last I checked, six months was recommended, but I guess nobody really does it. So I got the assistant doing the cleaning, since I "just there six months ago" (AGAIN!) and my teeth were still pretty clean, and the assistant kind of sucks. But hey, she's learning.

I want a new monitor. I appreciate all the advice I got, (both emailed and on the blog) but again today I went from 175 to 92 in the blink of a test strip. Whatever. I have an appointment in a couple of weeks, they will know what the insurance prefers (if any), and I am asking for a new one. Monitoring is, after all, the only way to really manage this disease.

In conclusion, canker sores hurt. I blame the dentist and their x-rays.

TIme for a New Monitor, Maybe?

So, before dinner tonight, I checked my sugars as usual.

69. That's odd. I don't feel low. (cue panic about not recognizing low sugars...) I'll check again.

153. Huh. My BS jumped almost 100 POINTS in the time it takes me to insert a new test strip? I don't think so. I'll check again. 180. Crap.

Hubby suggests I go grab my "back-up" monitor I keep in case I lose my regular one and check with that. Good idea.

122. OK, then. I'll go with that. That fits in with how I'm feeling (as in, I feel fine.)

(And let me tell you how much I LOVE using 4 test strips to check my sugar for one meal. Especially before my deductible is met.)

But, seriously, if I can't trust my monitor, I'm kind of screwed, right? Because if I'm at 180, I need extra insulin, but if I'm at 69, I need extra sugar. Kind of an important distinction. You know, as in vital.

It's a Freestyle Lite. It's what they gave me in the hospital at diagnosis because it's what Aetna preferred. I'm now with UHC (United HealthCare) and I don't know if they prefer one monitor over another, but, I'm going to ask -

Which monitor is the best? Most accurate? The easiest to use? Has anybody tried different ones and formed an opinion? I'd LURVE to know.

I Need....Something. Not Sure What, Though.

I desperately need to gain weight. It's not healthy, my body-type. While I have always been an the scrawny side, this is not good. I can't understand it, really. My sugars have been fairly stable, I eat plenty, why am I getting so skinny? Is it because I've had a cold? I go into the endo next month, I can't wait. I have questions. Like mainly, how do I get fatter without screwing up my sugars royally? If he says "eat more" I will lose it. That's what everyone says, and IT'S NOT WORKING!

Today I went to the gym, in an effort to up my exercise for this year, and also to hopefully put on more muscle. I also upped my carb count (and dosage) at breakfast, since it's possible that my carb restrictions are contributing to my weight loss. Oh yeah, Curves was CLOSED at 11:45 on a Tuesday, and I checked my sugars before I went in (as I do before exercise) and I was at 200!!! (90 minutes post meal, so some insulin was still working I guess, but ugh.) Um, what was that about "my sugars have been stable?"

I lost it. I mean, really, truly, lost it. I will probably drop the Curves membership, because seriously, the hours are crazy enough (they've always been closed from 1-3, which I have never understood), and if they are shortening their hours even more, I simply can't do it. It's not like they have child care. If they're not open during afternoon kindergarten, forget it.

So I came home, checked my sugars again (172) and turned on my Wii fit to get my workout. I dropped the sugars to 103, and got my 30 minutes in, all the while boxing my arms off. I was mad, and the boxing felt good. I'm ALWAYS mad at a high sugar reading. I mean, if I'm counting my carbs and not eating doughnuts, and my sugars are still crappy, then what the hell is the POINT???

And HOW the hell am I supposed to gain weight? Upping the carbs just screws up my sugars, eating more calories isn't doing it, exercise isn't doing it, I need....something. Help. I need help.

Give Me a New Year, Please

2009. It has been a year. This was the year that, in January, I landed in the hospital with a Type I diabetes diagnosis. The next day I stared up at the TV in my room, and saw a commercial for mint M&M’s, and cried as I wondered if I would ever, ever eat one.

Apart from 1996, when I got married, and 1999, when I had my first child, I would have to say nothing has quite changed my life like 2009. And, similar to those changes, this one is permanent. Unlike those earlier years, however, it’s not a change I wanted, or actively prayed for, chose, or even remotely ever thought would happen to me. The other difference is that the “permanance” is only for this life, not the eternities. However, there are days when “just this life” seems long enough, thank you very much.

“Living with diabetes is like living with a tiger. If you feed it, groom it, never turn your back on it; you can live with a tiger. If you neglect it; it’ll pounce on you and rip you to shreds.”By Wil “Printcrafter

I do what I can. I read everything I can get my hands on, including the large amount of quackery out there. (take this supplement, and you’ll be fine!) I watch my eating carefully, (I have basically cut out refined sugar altogether), I dose my insulin, I test my blood sugar, I go to my doctors and follow advice, I took experimental drugs as part of a study, both to help my health and increase the knowledge base. I even {shudder} exercise. While much of the time it’s just what I do, there are times when I want to throw my insulin across the room, eat a dozen doughnuts, and just say “screw it.” But I don’t. Because I’m not 18 and immortal. I have 3 children, and a disease that is ALWAYS vying for control. Just when I think I’m doing fabulous, a weird reading will show up, just to remind me that the tiger is still in the room. And then I get mad.

When I take the long view, it depresses me. When I think about the fact that essentially, the treatment for Type I hasn’t changed since insulin was discovered, it depresses me. The methods of delivery may have improved, but still, it’s basically “have some insulin, and good luck figuring out how much you need, because as much as we like to think it’s an exact science, it’s really not, but hopefully we can all figure it out together while we monitor you for complications.” When I think about my kids, well, I can’t really go there.

I read books, watch movies, and get sad that if I somehow fell into fictional Georgian England and met Mr. Darcy, I couldn’t marry him because I’d have to go back to my current time for insulin. It bothers me that people can fight bad guys without worrying about what the adrenalin rush will do to their blood sugar levels. And then I laugh at myself, because really, at that point, I have descended into the ridiculous. So I can’t eat yummy pie with yummy Agent Booth. Yeah, it was diabetes that stopped THAT from happening, because it was such a possibility before.

So I take it one day at a time. Sometimes one meal at a time. I may not be able to handle doing this forever, but I can do it today. The fact that this makes me sound like an alcoholic is not lost on me. And I HAVE survived this year.

I have even been taught several things. I know that angels have surrounded me at times, protecting me from myself when I knew not what has happening to my body. I know that taking care of myself is critical, and really, I eat better and move more than I ever have in my life. I know that Diet Dr. Pepper tastes like ice icream. I know that Mormons like sugar. I know that insulin is expensive. I know that my family loves me, and that my husband is willing to fight tigers for me. I have hope that one day, the constant needles and the constant pricking will be a thing of my past, although I have no idea when or if that will ever happen. I can still hope, though. I have to.

I also REALLY want to say (and ok, yeah, HAVE in fact said) ”Ok, Lord, lessons learned, could you please take away the disease now?” I really, really, wish that was how it worked, and yet my faith in miracles has not waned.

I saw a sign today that said “peaceful 2010.” And that is what I want. It’s what I want for me. It’s what I want for you. Peace. And the fact that we happen to worship the prince of peace, and that He has promised us His peace, and not as the world giveth, well, that is not lost on me either.

Peaceful 2010.

(2009 can jump out the window for all I care.)

Just for the record.

That anxiety I mentioned? (I did mention it briefly, it's OK, you don't have to look through old boring posts.) Turns out, it's a possible side effect of the study drug (teplizumab). Who knew?

It's gotten much, much, better. So that's good.

Oh, and the burning feet? Also a possible side effect. Fabulous. And that hasn't gone away. It's hard to know, though, because nerve damage is also a side effect of diabetes.

(I just had Thanksgiving dinner. It was yummy. I hope I managed to dose accurately.)

I am so putting up Christmas tomorrow.

Thanksgiving and Diabetes

I am currently about an hour away from eating my first Thanksgiving meal as a diabetic. I have no idea what the carb count will be. Heaven help me. I am not kidding - divine intervention would be very welcome.

Let's face it. You can talk all you want about gratefulness, family time, etc., and that's all there. It IS. But when push comes to shove, Thanksgiving is about the food. And anything that's about food means it's about diabetes as well. It's always there, nudging you when you look at the stuffing and mashed potatoes, chastising you for even THINKING about that pie. Is it worth another shot hours later for it? Yes? No?

Frankly, diabetes is always an unwelcome visitor, and I'm tired of it. And oh yeah, I have decades of this ahead of me, if I'm lucky. So I guess I better get used to it. Gah, that's a depressing thought.

Ok, breathe. One day at a time. I can do this.

I may just have to resign myself to having a weird blood sugar day. But frankly, I can't stand weird blood sugar days, not only do they make me feel awful, but I know they are damaging to just about everything in my system.

I am snapping out of my self indulgent whining now (but...but...this disease sucks, and I want everyone to know it, all of the time....whine, whine,SMACK) and focusing on the fact that we've had fabulous friends here this week, and it really has been fun. I am thankful for that. Also, cheese has no carbs. Awesome.