What do you mean I can't quit? That's just RUDE.

Ah, the lows. The waking up at 33. The going from 123 to 38 in half an hour, with no visible reason. (Brushing my teeth couldn't have dropped my sugars THAT much, right?) The 220 in the middle of the night, only to be corrected and then drop back to 38.

These things: They are not fun. (Hello, captain obvious.)

Dear Diabetes: I quit.

Dear Heidi: I don't mean to be rude, but Nope. You can't. Carry on. I'll be here.

Everything else I can quit! I've quit a couple of jobs in my life, and if I wanted to, I could quit my marriage, my kids, my church, my hair stylist - I could drop my dog off at the humane society, I could put my house up for sale, or I could walk away from it and ignore the mortgage, I can quit pretty much anything I want to, and the consequences would range from minor to truly life-altering. (I mean, if I quit my hairstylist, I would look baaaaad.) But none of them would be fatal. I don't want to quit any of those things, and I won't, but I love that the OPTION is there. I CHOOSE to stay in my house, my marriage, my religion, and keep that stupid dog, and I like that I know that's why I'm doing it. I like options.

Diabetes gives me very few options. Oh sure, there are some. Diet Coke or Diet Pepsi, for one. (And why anyone even MAKES Diet Pepsi, I have yet to understand.) Pumps vs. pens vs. needles. Humalog vs. Novolog. Sooooo many ways to treat. But in reality, these are fake options. The only real option is to PAY ATTENTION or DIE. Yippee-kie-ay.

No quitting. Ever. Not even if you whine.

So anyway, I forced my way into my endo's office to show off my highs and lows, and he switched me from Lantus to Levemir, and lowered the dose a tad. He ordered me a Dexcom, which he says is the "greatest thing for a diabetic since insulin." I WANT IT. I WANT IT A LOT. I know I would obsess over it constantly, but I've noticed that obsessing is encouraged with this disease. It also makes you crazy, but hey, sanity is overrated.

I may end up in the loony bin, but my a1c will be awesome.

We are waiting to see what the insurance says, since, you know, I've never passed out or spent quality time in the ER from my lows or anything, so I might not be the best candidate. You don't get the really GOOD diabetes treatment options until your disease is out of control. Good control is punished, and yet, it's clearly the best option.

I will stop saying options. It's sounding weird to me now. You know how words do that when you say them a lot? Options.....ooooooptiiionnns.....

For some reason, 38 is the number I've been seeing so much. Maybe the universe is using diabetes to send me a message and give me the lottery numbers or something. After all, if you can't explain the numbers, it must be a message from the cosmos, right? Every time I get a reading I don't get, (205? But I thought I was going LOW!) I'm going to take it as a numerology message. Ok, no. No, I'm not.

Also, I've been known to mildly swear at waitresses when they "Is Diet Pepsi OK?" Hell No, No it's not. Sorry about that yesterday, lady. It was a bad day.

My Day So Far

I woke up this morning to the sound of my cell phone. I grabbed it, talked to my parents briefly, and then decided it was time to get up anyway, since it was only about 15 minutes before I usually get up. Then my sister called, we chatted, and I dosed my Lantus at my usual time. (I split my dose between morning and night. I know it's unusual, but it works for me. Usually.)

What? You don't care that my sister called? That's superfluous information? Yeah, you're right. Too bad.

I went onto the computer, and hit facebook. I admit I spend way too much time there. As I was trying to read a status update complaining about the new interface, I noticed I was having a hard time seeing it. It wasn't going blurry exactly, I just couldn't seem to focus on it for some reason, and the world started heading into a tunnel. I decided to check my sugars.

Yep. 33. I went "whoah, that's low" and grabbed 2 Starbursts, which I keep in my testing kit with my meter. I actually tapped an update onto fb about it, thinking I should let somebody know. Then I lay down, and stared at the ceiling as the sweat drenched me. I hate the sweat.

As my heart attempted to leap out of my chest, I thought "I am going to pass out, and I don't care." And then the next thought slooooooowly formed. "I am going to pass out. I should prevent that. I had candy. Need juice." And so I forced myself up and to the kitchen and poured myself whatever that combo was - orange/mango/pineapple/strawberry/every- fruit-ever-picked juice. And then I grabbed some Crunch Berries - just a handful.

And then I realized again - I LOVE Crunch Berries. It's a very tasty cereal.

And then I checked again, kind of thinking - I might be able to justify a whole bowl of Cap'n Crunch's chemicals. 89. And while it ruled out the ceral, I love that number. It is my new best friend. 5 minutes later it was 110. Then I ate breakfast. Who knows what bolus I should have used, I'm still not completely sure how high the rebound is going to go.

I haven't showered yet, but I'm thinking about it.

Good morning to me. Hey - it can only get better from here, right? RIGHT?

Nope. Nothing quite like it.

Nothing like a low blood sugar in the shower to make you think "Boy am I glad I exercised!" There's also nothing quite like it to make you rethink the necessity of leg-shaving and hair-conditioning, and get you to run through the house naked to get to the kitchen for those graham crackers spread with dark chocolate that you bought in a moment of weakness at Costco. Oh, and some milk.

I really love dark chocolate. It goes well with Diet Dr. Pepper.

Went to the dentist yesterday. I decided to pretend I was just a mannequin in a training exercise - "are you OK? Somebody call 911 - are you OK?" since that's basically how I was treated, with that stupid air thing left in my mouth as the hygienists chatted with another. But hey, my teeth are still doing fine. That office can't decide if they do x-rays every 6 months or once a year. They change their minds every time I go in. (No you don't need summer x-rays, OF COURSE you need summer x-rays.) Oh, the places we go because our insurance covers them. I don't feel like they're incompetent, I think it's more of a "right hand doesn't talk to the left hand" kind of thing, and I don't love it there, but hey, who loves the dentist? And seriously, can't beat a five dollar co-pay for these visits.

And on that note, I do believe I will go and finish re-reading Harry Potter 7, and maybe I will bolus for some of that dark chocolate-y graham goodness. Yes, I believe I will.

As Promised ....NUMBERS! YEAY!!

A1c - 6. Awesome. I was really surprised at this. I thought for sure it would be at least 6.5. So I was thrilled.

C-peptide levels -- started out low again, and then at the 30 minute mark it kicked in and by the 180 minute mark it went up to 2.1, which is in the normal range. NORMAL. (6 months ago it was highter, but hey). It's consistent with what it's been doing up till now, starting out low and then my pancreas wakes up and starts squirting out the good stuff. If only we could get it to squirt out the good stuff EARLIER and CONSISTENTLY.

So my original thought that I wasn't honeymooning anymore couldn't be more wrong, and I am thrilled about that. They told me that obviously the onglyza wasn't doing anything for my c-peptide levels, and I could go off it, at which point I told them I had taken myself off it anyway, and gone back to 10 units of Lantus, since it really did seem to be messing with me.

And then, yesterday my fasting sugar was 43. Bad News Bears. Fortunately I had some toffee, plus some other Easter candy leftover. I had too much, and swung up into the 200s, but still, it was tasty. I thought it was just an anomaly, and then today I started getting really dizzy shortly after I woke up only to find myself at 39. I truly thought I would pass out - and who knows if I would wake up? It's scary to be very low and all alone. (Yes, I wake up after my kids go to school. I'm VERY lazy. Did you not know this about me?)

At least I still have hypo awareness. That's good. And lows like that might make getting approved for a CGM much easier. Still, I hate them. I think I might lower my Lantus again, which would be kind of awesome actually. We'll see what the doctor says.

So there you have it! Fairly good a1c, and still honeymooning! What was I whining about again?

I Don't Know HOW

I have decided I officially don't know how to be a diabetic who's not honeymooning.

(And no, I don't know that for a fact, but things have been all over the map, I'm not sick, it's the only explanation I can come up with, and I'm pretty sure the onglyza is doing nothing.)

Yesterday I had a low after I went walking, which I wasn't too surprised about, I walked longer than I planned to, and it was right after dinner, so my insulin was still very much in force.

So, I did what you do when you go low. I ate carbs. Came up nicely to 99.

An hour later I was 175, because apparently, you raise your blood sugar, and it just keeps going and going.

I'm tired of correcting - I'm worried I'm going to run out of needles before I can refill them. I guess I just have to learn to do this whole thing all over again - find the right combination of Lantus and the right ratio of Novolog/carbs. Fun times, my friends. Fuuuunnnnn tiiiiimmmessss....

Tasty

I ate a chocolate croissant today at lunch. (not FOR lunch, just AT lunch.) Well, half of one. My husband brought home samples from a bakery and I kind of NEEDED it. Apparently, though, I did not guess right on the amount of carbohydrates, because an hour after lunch I went low.

So then I HAD to eat the other half.

Bummer.

Dream A Little Dream

I've really been getting into this whole exercise thing lately, and Jillian Michaels has been on my TV a lot. Last night I tried her "yoga meltdown" which was less "breathe and stretch, just go as far as you can" and was more "Rep it out! Come on! You can do this! Sun salutations - FASTER!" which was a little jarring when it wasn't what I was expecting. It was still a good workout, though, and hey, expectations can shift. It's all good.

Except then last night I was dreaming that I was hiking with Jillian and some other nameless, faceless people, when we reached our destination and I asked Jillian for some juice because I was shaking pretty badly and thought I was going hypo. She of course reached for the juice, and poured me a glass, but I couldn't get to it, because, you know, it was a dream. Since I couldn't get the juice, I tried to get to the candy in my pocket, but it too was not cooperating. (You know those dreams where you have to pee in your dream, but you can't go? It was like that.) Then I woke up. I wasn't still shaking, but my heart was racing, and I thought I had better check my sugars just in case my body was sending me a message. Yep. 60s. This time the candy was available, though, so that was comforting.

This is the second time I've had a dream when I'm low. I wonder if that happens often to other people.

So - doing a hard workout before bed - not the best idea in the world. I often do yoga at night, it's very relaxing, but I suppose I'll have to stick with the calming, soothing kind. Jillian can wait until morning.